Maybe.
Its been a long long time since she's slept.I wonder if she even remembers when was the last she slept without a drink ,or a pillow, or a thought. Very comforting. Not really sane in this world. All three.
But she's been sleeping like that forever. With an alarm she knows she'll hear. Think about for a split second, switch off and sink back into that pillow , that thought.
Its her safety blanket. To hold. To count on. Cos that doesn't usually fail you. Comes unbidden whenever she wants to embrace it.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Time to get back to making no effort...
Ok. So she's tried running around, playing hide n seek , n just generally being obscure. Feindishly so. So much so that she's not sure what the point has been all along.
Was it all for herself ? or a result of what she wasn't outside?
Anyways, its back to being her. The way she is meant to be. The way she wants to be. Plain.Simple. Herself. n comfortable.
There r small nudges that threaten to push her over though.But then they will be always be so , no?
I guess que sera sera....
Was it all for herself ? or a result of what she wasn't outside?
Anyways, its back to being her. The way she is meant to be. The way she wants to be. Plain.Simple. Herself. n comfortable.
There r small nudges that threaten to push her over though.But then they will be always be so , no?
I guess que sera sera....
Monday, July 4, 2011
What goes around comes around....
Today I will take a diversion from the norm and just the 2 of us will talk.
About the ironies of life and how Im sure this has happened to someone before, and so the common belief that what goes around does really come around.
She of cors disagrees. She always does .
I guess its difficult for her to believe its so.Anyone before couldn't have seen this
fairness in life. Its deja' vu. The same confusion, only this time from the other side. The a fascinating irony . Both agree there.
In one sweeping moment she understood it all. Her mistakes and theirs played out an intriguing symphony. The players moved in and out, changed roles, turned towards, turned away , laughed and cried for what was said beyond what really was.
The flashes of this symphony are sudden and strong when they hit her and knock the breath out of her. And the only thing she can do is forgive them and wait for the next blinding one.
About the ironies of life and how Im sure this has happened to someone before, and so the common belief that what goes around does really come around.
She of cors disagrees. She always does .
I guess its difficult for her to believe its so.Anyone before couldn't have seen this
fairness in life. Its deja' vu. The same confusion, only this time from the other side. The a fascinating irony . Both agree there.
In one sweeping moment she understood it all. Her mistakes and theirs played out an intriguing symphony. The players moved in and out, changed roles, turned towards, turned away , laughed and cried for what was said beyond what really was.
The flashes of this symphony are sudden and strong when they hit her and knock the breath out of her. And the only thing she can do is forgive them and wait for the next blinding one.
Multitasking
No, she doesn't write when she is multitasking. Its only when she's not all there. When her thoughts overflow and there is this immense need to pen them down, record them, re read them, peak inside , look back and see what it was like then. Cos her facts are her thoughts.Her words. Her journals.
Never expected this turn of events but this blog has turned out to be a conversation between 3 people.
But guess it doesn't matter much now.
Never expected this turn of events but this blog has turned out to be a conversation between 3 people.
But guess it doesn't matter much now.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Mistakes
Its really not that difficult to not make mistakes.Its not exactly simple either.
All one needs to know is the difference between choices one makes and the choices one wants to make. The "should I"s the "could I" s. Come to think of it, that's really not all. That's a long task. To peer in, ask the right question and reply truthfully.
And then again just knowing isn't good enough either.
Its not like she has no clue how much her mistakes will hurt. Herself and others. And its not like its the only choice. In fact its not even the only choice she wants to make. When she steps out and looks within, she comes up with a 100 other choices she'd want to make.
And then she steps right back in, and nothings changed.
Its really not that difficult to not make mistakes they say.She disagrees.
.
All one needs to know is the difference between choices one makes and the choices one wants to make. The "should I"s the "could I" s. Come to think of it, that's really not all. That's a long task. To peer in, ask the right question and reply truthfully.
And then again just knowing isn't good enough either.
Its not like she has no clue how much her mistakes will hurt. Herself and others. And its not like its the only choice. In fact its not even the only choice she wants to make. When she steps out and looks within, she comes up with a 100 other choices she'd want to make.
And then she steps right back in, and nothings changed.
Its really not that difficult to not make mistakes they say.She disagrees.
.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Silence
Noise is a very funny thing. Somehow when its the noisiest outside is when its the quietest inside and when there isn't a sound around, all she hears are screams. Her own.
Ready to explode her head. She already scared someone might hear them, the screams, and get scarred forever by the terrifying visions in them.
Wonder why they say balance is beautiful, cos it just isn't.
If silence both ways is just not happening she'd rather drown her screams inside with those outside.
.
Ready to explode her head. She already scared someone might hear them, the screams, and get scarred forever by the terrifying visions in them.
Wonder why they say balance is beautiful, cos it just isn't.
If silence both ways is just not happening she'd rather drown her screams inside with those outside.
.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Charades
Its really all a game one plays with oneself. The endless thinking, talking, running, feeling, laughing , stopping suddenly and gazing at the beautiful windswept wilderness all around , and then getting back to the grind.
Maybe someday it'll all stop. Maybe not. Maybe she doesn't want it to stop.
But one thing is definite now. She'll be looking over her shoulder when the game's being played. You see, its not only her looking at the windswept wilderness. She's part of the wilderness too.
Maybe someday it'll all stop. Maybe not. Maybe she doesn't want it to stop.
But one thing is definite now. She'll be looking over her shoulder when the game's being played. You see, its not only her looking at the windswept wilderness. She's part of the wilderness too.
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